Never Gonna Lose Hope


First off, I want to apologize for not writing a post in awhile. I will be honest and let you know that I haven’t been the most positive person in the world lately and therefore I have refrained from writing. However, even though I haven’t been positive, I still know that God is in control of the situation. As I have told a lot of people recently, this whole cancer thing may be harder mentally than it is physically. I found a quote from Beth Moore in my daily devotion book that says “God’s Word never said we were not to grieve our losses. It says we are not to grieve as those who have no hope. Big Difference.” Do not worry, I have so much hope!

As you know, I had my third round of chemotherapy last Wednesday and an appointment with Dr. Armor. At my previous doctor’s appointment, my blood count (neutrophils) were about 100. This time, my blood counts (neutrophils) were pretty much non-existent. They showed up as 0 on the doctor’s report but he did tell me that the technicians always go back and hand count them to see if there are even a few. He did not seem too worried about it. He said that as long as I stay away from people who are obviously sick and avoid hand contact with things that are touched by a lot of people, I should be okay! He told me that as long as I didn’t have a fever above 100.5 degrees that we would continue on with treatment.

Chemo gets more difficult but easier each time. I know that probably doesn’t make sense so let me explain. It gets more difficult because I now have anticipatory nausea as soon as we walk in the chemo room, before the drugs even begin to be administered. This is a problem that can only be managed by taking nausea meds before I even get there and even that may not make it completely go away. However, it gets easier each time because I seem to start feeling better a little sooner each time. I have said several times that I wish they could just give me anesthesia for the day when I get chemo and then wake me up the next day. There has to be some reason they can’t do that I guess and I will be stronger because of it.

This past weekend, I was able to play games with Will and his daughter Ashlei on Saturday night which was a lot of fun! I have felt as though I have missed out on doing things with her lately since she is always at her dad’s the weekend after my chemo and I usually do not feel very well. However, I felt good enough to sit down and play some board games this weekend and just laugh with her and that was really good for the both of us! On Sunday, we had visitors! Our family friend, Tom Witten, and his fiancé Cheryl came over for a couple of hours and it was nice to get to see them. After that, my parents and I went to Oklahoma City to the Nike outlet. I am so blessed to have such wonderful parents! They just wanted to buy me some new sweats outfits to make me smile 🙂 We also looked at some patio furniture and then headed home. All in all, it was a good weekend.

This coming weekend my Nanny will be back! She went home last Friday for the week to take care of some things and has been missed greatly! She will head back here on Friday along with my dad’s oldest brother and his wife and my cousin and his wife. They are coming down to see me for the weekend and I am so excited! I am not sure what we will do but I just hope that I am feeling good enough to do something fun with them. On Sunday, I will be going to OKC for the Run Lucky 5K. This is a race where all proceeds go to lymphoma and leukemia research. Although I will not be running, I have a lot of family and friends that will be running for me and several others who endure this fight! My friend Emily put all of this together and ordered us all matching t-shirts and I am so thankful for all the work she has done for this!

I have had the opportunity to spend some time with Will’s mom the past couple of days, my parents and sister the next couple of days, and then our neighbor Terry Varnell on Friday and I am so thankful for that. I never have to worry about being alone because someone is always here and I can’t thank God enough for wonderful family and friends. Each one of these people are so special to me in their own way and I have really enjoyed the time we have gotten to spend together this week.

I truly believe that God still has a purpose for all of this. When I get down and start feeling sad, I just say my prayers and count my blessings. I know that if I continue to seek God’s will for my life that His purpose will be revealed to me in His perfect timing. I was reading the bible with Ashlei on Saturday night before she went to bed and I had her read Hebrews 11:1 which states “Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” As I was explaining to her what this verse meant, she related it to what I was going through. She said “even though we can’t see what the future has in store for you, we have to have faith in God and hope that things are going to turn out great.” She’s exactly right! Once again, I appreciate the prayers and continued support. I will keep praying just like I know all of you will and I’m never gonna lose hope!

2 responses »

  1. I don’t know why I keep thinking I can read your posts during class without tearing up! You are such an inspiration and I’m so proud of you for staying so positive and fully relying on God. I’m glad I’ve gotten to spend a couple mornings with you this week! I’m so thankful that I go to college five minutes from home so that I can be around more during this time. Love you so so much.

  2. Glad to see you post, I was getting worried about you and have been thinking about you daily!!! You can do it and I just want you to know that you are inspiring and you are strong! Miss you! If I didn’t have these 2 wild children to take care of I would pack up and come see you!

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